My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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