It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
