Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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