How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
