Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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