using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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