I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
