Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
