everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
