did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
