how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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