I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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