the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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