I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
