it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
