My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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