for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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