Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
