I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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