Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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