if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
