So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
