Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
