At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
