my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
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