maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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