he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
