There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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