He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
