all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
