Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
