ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
