You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
