does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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