i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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