Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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