He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
