I am spending my child support on dildos
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
