My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
