I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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