i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
