I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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