I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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