I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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