Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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