Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
