I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
