woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
