I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
