Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
