I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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