I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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