i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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