Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
