Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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