Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
