I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
